Snatch Script

Friday 11:04 p.m.

Steven Wright: (voiceover) My long lost father, finally you... (appears on-screen in guest monitor) you admit that you're my father.

Space Ghost: (with Steven Wright hair) Yeah, well, good luck proving it.

Moltar: Space Ghost! I'm pickin' up four unidentified heat sources on my monitor screen.

Space Ghost: Well, they're probably just creatures, Moltar. (pause) Space creatures.

Moltar: They just violated our air space.

Space Ghost: Bring me my monocle. I want to look rich.

Friday 11:05 p.m.

Steven Wright: And that other father that they told me was my father, is he a stepfather or just a stranger posing...

Space Ghost: (reading magazine) Uh, I don't know. Have you seen this? (shows Wright Magazine)

Steven Wright: Wow.

Space Ghost: Yeah!

Steven Wright: Do you like human women?

Space Ghost: I like these twins.

Moltar: Here's an update on those flying, dangerous space creatures...

Space Ghost: Fill me in.

Moltar: They just entered the building through the loading dock.

Space Ghost: Really?

(Pause, goes back to reading magazine)

Friday 11:09 p.m.

Steven Wright: Under these clothes I'm wearing, (a green pod is now in front of Space Ghost's desk) I'm wearing a ballerina outfit.

Space Ghost: Yeah. What's this pod doing here?

Zorak: Replicating.

Space Ghost: Replicating what?

Zorak: Uhhh....us.

(Dramatic sting music as camera cuts to various pods thoughout the set sitting next to Moltar, Zorak, Wright and Space Ghost)

Space Ghost: Oh no! Replicating pods! The kind that keep you up all night with their coughing!

Moltar: No, the kind that copy your DNA, kill you off, and take over while you sleep!

Space Ghost: With their coughing.

Moltar: Ugh...did you hear what I just sai-?

Space Ghost: No one sleeps with my grandmother! Right?

Zorak: Right. (off camera) From now on.

Space Ghost: This is for Nana! (Blasts one of the pods. The pod grows larger)

Zorak: It's feeding on the rays!

Space Ghost: It's the rays! It's... it's feeding on them! (screams like a woman) What should I do?

Zorak: Heh heh heh! Shoot it some more!

Space Ghost: But it seems to be feeding on the rays!

Moltar: Then stop shootin' it!

Space Ghost: Do what now? Oh! (stops shooting) Dang it! Well, it looks like they can't be killed. Uh, here Zorak, trade with me.

Zorak: Heh heh heh! I don't think so. (evil laughing prompting Space Ghost to Blast the pod closest to Zorak) NO00000!

Space Ghost: (blasting pod) Who's laughing now, Zorak? Who's laughing now?

(Pods make squeaking noises)

Friday 11:28

(Space Ghost is staring at one of the pods)

Zorak: Hey. Touch it. Go on! See what happens.

Moltar: Touch it. You know you want to.

Zorak: C'mon, man. Touch it.

(Space Ghost warily approaches pod)

Moltar: Yes, feel its heat.

Zorak: Touch it!

Moltar: Stroke its supple contours.

Zorak: Nothing'll happen. Just touch it. (whispers) It's what you wanna do. Touch it.

(Space Ghost inches closer to pod)

Moltar: You know you want to. Touch it!

Zorak: Touch it!

Moltar: It's there for you to Touch.

(Space Ghost's finger gets ever closer)

Zorak: You know you wanna.

(Space Ghost stops just an inch away from the pod)

Space Ghost: There, I touched it! Now I have to leave.

Zorak: No, you did not!

Space Ghost: No, I did! I touched It!

(Space Ghost leaves and his pod follows)

Steven Wright: Who else is going to be on the show?

Zorak: Your guts.

Steven Wright: Oh.

(An out-of-breath Space Ghost opens exit door. He sees that the building is coated in orange goo.)

Space Ghost: (screams like a girl) The Blob! (Pod moves closer. Screams like a girl again as he flies back to the desk) Very scary monster! (Clears throat) I'm back!

Zorak: Where'd you G-

(Dramatic music as blob covers window of studio and all of Ghost Planet)

Zorak: I said, where did you G-

(Dramatic music as blob covers window of studio)

Zorak: I SAID WHERE DID Y-

Friday 10:25 p.m.

Space Ghost: (Yawn.) I am so sleepy.

Zorak: (looking tired and yawning) Yeah...

(Moltar is asleep on control room floor as pod gets closer to him; rest of group is falling asleep as pods close in. Zorak catches himself and suddenly wakes up, followed by Moltar, Space Ghost and then Wright)

Zorak: (coughing) We should take turns sleeping. You go first.

Space Ghost: You'll wake me up if the pod starts to replicate me, right?

Zorak: Probably not.

Space Ghost: Listen to me. We're not gonna live through this unless we all put aside our differences and band together as Friends.

(Moltar flips switch as Zorak starts playing lullaby)

Space Ghost: You see, that's exactly what I'm talking about. (blasts Zorak)

Steven Wright: I might need another coffee.

Space Ghost: Good idea! We'll go get some coffee. You stay here, try to live. If anything bad happens...to you...well, we'll be getting coffee!

Steven Wright: (laughs) Father! You are my hero!

Space Ghost: Yeah. Thanks!

(Space Ghost, Moltar and Zorak leave for commissary, followed closely by pods)

Steven Wright: (staring at pod) Are, you're not human are you? (pod starts to open) Y..you should get that checked. Or I admire it. I don't know the reaction you want! I, I fear you! (pod moves closer) You're gonna kill me! (laughs)

(Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar sit in commissary, surrounded by pods. Screaming from the studio can be heard. No one says a word as the screaming goes on and on.)

Moltar: So, uh... (screaming from studio) Um, see I wor- (screaming from studio). This may... (short scream). This... (short scream). Nothin' (longer scream)

(Screaming subsides)

Space Ghost: I have an idea.

Saturday 2:04 a.M.

(A mop bucket with a hand-drawn Space Ghost mask and cape rolls onto the empty set)

Space Ghost: (as if talking to a dog) There goes Space Ghost! Go get him! Go get Space Ghost! He's gettin' away! Ooh, Space Ghost's gettin' away! Bad Space Ghost! Go get Space Ghost now! He's gettin' away! Ooh da, bad Space Ghost! Look at him! Look at him, he's gettin' away with his cape flyin' and everything! Go get Space Ghost!

Moltar: (Sigh.) They're not buyin' it.

Space Ghost: They're not buying it because you messed it up!

Moltar: What? I was just trying to-

Space Ghost: I've got it! We'll get the Blob to kill the pods!

Moltar: How we gonna do that?

Space Ghost: (at exit door) Hey, uh, Blob. You, uh, heard all the stuff the pods have been saying about your mother? (laughs) People are laughin', man. (pause) So, uh, you wanna come in here? And kill the pods? 'Cause of what they said? About your Mother?

(Noises from Blob)

Space Ghost: I'm sorry. I, I had no idea. What's that, pods? The Blob is very fat?!

Saturday 7:18 p.m.

Zorak: Didn't work, did it?

Space Ghost: Of course it worked! But now I have a better plan. One that excludes the Blob's stupid mother. I'm going to order one of those mind-erasing kits.

Moltar: Ya already have one!

Space Ghost: I know.

Moltar: Well?

Space Ghost: Can't you see? If we erase our minds and forget how sleepy we are, we'll stay awake forever! (pause) So this is my idea. I'm thinking about ordering one of those mind-erasing kits.

Thursday 8 p.m.

Space Ghost: Here's what we do. We order one of those mind-erasing kits.

Moltar: You already HAVE ONE!

Space Ghost: If I already had one, don't you think I'd remember that?

Zorak: So go get it!

Space Ghost: Get what?

Moltar: The kit!

Space Ghost: What kit?

Friday 5:23 a.m.

Zorak: All right, here's the plan. We create a diversion by throwing the planet's orbital axis off by 13 degrees. Actually, 10 degrees should do it. You don't want to throw it off too much because, well, you know. (Pause.) Now, once we've lowered the gravitational fields by, say, 40 gigawatts and secured the outer perimeter...securely...well I, I think we'll be just fine. (Picks up laser gun) Any questions? (cut to Space Ghost wearing monocle) Okay, then! Move out! Lock and load! Happy Birthday! And stay frosty! (cocks gun and fires off-camera)

Space Ghost: I'm going to order one of those...

Moltar: All right, I've got a plan. We all know rust never sleeps, right? (Pause.) Right. So, if we all rust, we'll never sleep. Eh? Eh?

Space Ghost: Moltar, you're the only one here made of metal. How are we gonna rust?

Saturday 11:13 p.m.

Moltar: So after you get metal-plated, that's when we all go to the beach. To rust.

Space Ghost: Gee, that's a great plan, Moltar. But if we could get to the beach, we wouldn't have to be metal-plated.

Sunday 8:09 a.m.

Space Ghost: How many times do I have to tell ya? Because we'd be at the beach!

Monday 3:45 p.m.

Space Ghost: Mayday! Mayday! I'm Space Ghost and I am in some big danger! My plans were foolproof, (pod gets closer and falls over) but it started feeding on the rays! And then Moltar had a plan that never would have worked. (pod gets bigger and closer) I need a ship to rescue me. I'll be waiting for you out by the front gate. Thank you!

Moltar: Nobody can hear ya, Space Ghost. We've been off the air for 10 days.

Space Ghost: Excuse me. (invisos into control room, face-to-face with Moltar) Please don't tell me how to do it. It sickens me.

March 99:099 A6

Space Ghost: Mmmm, this is some good coffee! I thought we were out of coffee.

Zorak: I found some more. It's in the orange container.

Space Ghost: (does spittake into camera) You fool! (Collapses) That's decaf!

(Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar instantly fall asleep as pods move closer... and begin opening)

(ALTERNATE ENDING: The episode starts all over again, as the pods replicated Space Ghost and co.)